


Miscarriage

by sasageyowrites



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, F/M, Heavy Angst, Miscarriage, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-05
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:02:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27899542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasageyowrites/pseuds/sasageyowrites
Summary: After retaking Shiganshina you reveal to Levi that you were in fact pregnant with his baby.
Relationships: Levi/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uploaded from my Tumblr sasageyowrites.

Disclaimer: I don’t own AoT other wise there would be more seasons mostly of Levi. I don’t own you that’s creepy. Or the GIF below.

Warnings: swearing, violence, miscarriage, mild self harm. This is not for sensitive people you have been warned.

Please don’t repost

Levi x reader

That is what you had envisioned for yourself the moment the doctor had told you were pregnant with Levi’s baby.

Once you had gotten over the initial shock your mind had fantasied about your future child, imagining heartwarming images of Levi holding his new born in his strong arms cooing his affection as he poured his fatherly love onto the small bundle of joy. You had imagined yourself wrapping your arms around a peotesring six year old as he went to play with his friends, you had imagined pressing kisses to your child’s head as you put her to bed and Levi telling her wonderful stories of your adventures outside the wall. You had pictured your daughter or son waking you and Levi up in the middle of the night having just woken from a nightmare, you would invite your little one to sleep with you and they would instantly cheer up, cold tiny feet pressing into yours and Levi’s bodies as your child slept with you, protected from nightmares as it slept safely between it’s mother and father.

You had invisioned being happy with your husband and unborn baby.

You hadn’t told Levi about your discovery. You had only found out a day before the retaking of Shinganshina and you knew your husband had enough on his plate as it was without having to worry about a pregnant wife, you had plannwstontell him afterwards. You had kept it secret for selfish reasons too, it wasn’t just Levi you were trying to protect but you had wanted to take part in the battle of the Beast Titan, you knew your brothers and sisters in arms needed your expertise in the field, you had saved lives from the colossal and armoured Titan before you would do it again. You had gone out to Shinganshina assuming you would be ok, a selfish eager willingness to save and defend your friends and husband the only thought in you head not even thinking about what you were carrying inside you.

You were going to save your friends and humanity.

And you had.

You had saved Jean and Sasha from the Armoured Titan, having launched yourself into the sky grabbing them by their cloaks as you flew past them pulling them with you out of it’s reach and throwing them out of harms way.

But the world was not on your side, fate would have it his own way and you had not thought about your own safety. Instead of grabbing Sasha and Jean, the Armoured Titan had grabbed you instead, snatching you from the air crushing you in its vice like grip as you were held meters above the ground your body squirming in his clutch as the air was squeezed from your lungs and multiple ribs broken as hetried to kill you in his hand.

You hadn’t remembered much afterwards after having passed out, you had woken up under the rubble of a house with your body screaming at you to lay there and wait. But you hadn’t, infact you had gotten straight back back up again only to notice the trail of blood staining your breeches a bright scarlet. The pristine white material stained a bright red as a sharp pain had spikes through your abdomen causing gasps to escape your body as the red continued to track through your breeches.

It hadn’t taken you long to realise you had lost the baby. The foetus damaged from the earlier encounter with the Titan, in that moment all your ambitions about having a family were drained. Part of you wanted to curl up into the rubble of the destroyed houses and just cry, but you were still a soldier so you had continued the fight to the bitter end only to collapse on the roof of the house where the others were deciding who to save with the injection.

Now you sat in yours and Levi’s shared bed staring aimlessly at the door where your husband and the doctor were conversing quietly. You could still feel a dull ache in your chest from your cracked ribs, but that wasn’t the worst pain you were feeling.

Infact it was far from it.

The real pain came from the feeling of emptiness where you knew your unborn child had been, even as you ran a hand over your flat stomach you could feel a part of you was missing never to be replaced. Silent tears fell down your cheeks as you continued to rub a shaking hand over your stomach trying to find anything that could spark any sign of hope. You knew it was pointless, you had seen the blood , you had felt the discomfort as the miscarriage happened.

You were a childless mother weeping for something you never had.

Your hands shook slightly as you tried to grip the bedsheets hoping to stabalise yourself as a light woozy feeling came over you, nausea washed over you and for a second you thought were going to be sick. You lurched forward as the feeling rose through your throat, gaggingon the air as the feeling faded away more tears still pouring down your face and making the covers of the bed sheets grow damp. Your body trembled as you sat back into the pillow you had propped up against the headboard trying to ease your racing mind and clear away the anxiety that knawed away at you.

Levi. The man you loved.

What would he say?

You could still see the panic on his face as you had walked over to him when the battle had been won, blood staining your legs and your face pale with sickness. You had slipped in and out of consciousness but you could remember Levi holding you securely in his arms as his black mare galloped across the fields to Wall Rose to get you back to the HQ the others looking on in concern as they rode beside their captain yelling their questions of concern, the drumming of hoodbeats still ringing through your head.

You didn’t know what Levi and the doctor were saying behind the closed door, but you knew you would have to confess to your husband eventually that you had been the one that had caused your own miscarriage through the reckless descion to fight. You had no clue as to how the man you loved would react and it scared you more then anything else. You couldn’t lose him. You couldn’t let him go.

But who were you to stop him if he did?

“Thank you doctor.” Levi said as he opened the door to your bedroom looking back to where the doctor stood in his office before closing the door.

You watched him through blurry eyes. He stood still for a moment his back pressed against the door his eyes gazing at the floor beneath his feet, ebony locks of hair hiding his face from you making it impossible to know what he was thinking. You but your lip as you continued to observe him waiting patiently as to what he would say, your stomach twisting around itself in nervous tugs causing a heavy panic to settle in. You swallowed a lump that had risen in your throat trying to hold back the tears that threatened to pour from your tiered eyes, the silence and stillness of your husband wracking your body with a chilling dread the atmosphere thick with unpredictability.

“Levi?” you whispered hoarsely your voice cracking ever so slightly, he didn’t turn his gaze from the floor his body rigid.

“Did you know?” he asked darkly his fists curling into tight balls as he raised his head to stare at you.

You felt your heart shatter at his face your chest spreading with a numb ache that would leave anyone crippled with guilt, his usually bored expression had been completely wiped and replaced with a hardened glare one you had never seen directed at you before. His silver eyes shining with pent up tears that he was trying desperately to hold back, his full bottom lip trembling slightly with anger or hurt you didn’t know which or which your preferred but it was clear to see he was completely broken from the news of the miscarriage his exterior torn down to show the sensitivity he held underneath, his irises quivering with unfallening tears.

The breath stopped in your lungs for a second as you tried to answer, your lips stammering trying to form words. Your throat was dry, your eyes pricking with hot tears as your shoulders shook with pent up sobs. You wanted so desperately to lie, to tell him you had no clue you had been pregnant and that you were just as innocent as he was in what the stars had dictated for you. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t lie to him about this.

“Yes.” you breathed pressing a hand to your throat to try and stop your voice from completely failing you “yes I knew.”

The air was filled with another heavy silence your words digging into your skin and echoing in your head as heard yourself out loud hating every part of you. Levi inhaled sharply his jaw clenching as his gaze fell away from you to stare at the left side wall, his steely eyes closing momentarily as his breathing became uneven taking shallow breaths as if to try and control himself from doing something drastic. Fear crept up your spine, goosebumps rippled over your skin as you watched your husband run a hand over his face a muffled moan leaving his lips, your heart freezing when you saw a single tear roll down his cheek from under his hand that he held over his eyes, his teeth clenched as he began to cry.

“Lev…”

“Don’t say anything (y/n).” he muttered layers of ice embedded into his tone as pulled his hand away from his watering eyes his glare directed out the window, your heart sank at his disposition his voice trembling with suppressed rage and sorrow.

He turned around reaching for the door the latch clicking as you flicked it upwards, he swung the door open and stood in the doorway for a moment his head dropping in defeat.

“I can’t even look at you.” he growled stepping out your bedroom and slamming the door closed, the expensive wood cracking slightly at the impact.

You winced at the loud crash that resonated from behind the door as Levi threw something across his office, your chest heaving violently as more heartbreaking sobs escaped your body, salty tears unstoppable as they slid from your stinging eyes and onto the bed below. You released a low pitched whine into your pillow throwing yourself under the covers slamming your eyes shut slapping your head violently, pain ricocheting through your skull trying to wake yourself up from this nightmare desperately clawing at your own skin, your long nails leaving jagged red marks over your body as sharp stinns came from your thigh as you dragged a nail along it cuttinf through the skin.

You didn’t know if you were trying to wake up or punish yourself. You had hurt Levi, you had broken your vows and kept the truth from him. You had been the reason your baby was no longer apart of your future, your endless daydreams of conjured scenarios of being a happy family shredded by one stupid mistake.

You didn’t know how long you were screaming and crying into your pillow your unforgiving hands scratching at your innocent skin as your face grew damp with waterfalls of tears, your body spasmed out of control as you screamed tugging on your hair, your broken wails ripping from your lips as you writhed in the bed, your heart hammering in your chest and head.

Eventually you grew tiered of your internal battle, your fingers ceasing their cruel objective to inflict pain and your eye lids slowly grew heavy as sleep over took you, your vision slowly becoming black as the face of your non existent baby lived behind your closed eyes.

…

Levi sat in his desk chair unable to move, his eyes slowly letting free his own tears. His gaze remained locked on the destruction that he had created in his office, his desk gas lamp having been thrown viciously into one of the office walls shards of glass littering the floor reflecting the light of the sun that peaked through his closed curtains as oil spilled onto his wooden floor boards dying it a deathly black.

He hadn’t meant to snap at you so harshly. He knew you were in as much pain as him maybe even more but he couldn’t help but be devastated by your descion to not tell him about your pregnancy. It was his baby too. Not any more though he supposed, it wasn’t anything now, the ruby blood that marked your breeches he had thrown in the bin marked the life that had once been growing inside you. He was your husband, you were married and these secrets couldn’t be allowed. What was the point in wearing a wedding ring if you wouldn’t abide by its symbolism. He felt as if he was bearing the weight of his sorrows by himself, his body weighed by the agony his life had only ever been.

You had been the one defining pint of happiness for him and now that too has been deprived.

Eternity.

You had vowed love worth more then an eternity to him, the diamond ring you wore physically showing his endless companionship and passion for you. How could you have kept something so important from him? How could you risk not only your own life but the foetus’ potential life so recklessly?

The captain couldn’t work out the psychology of your actions. Did you not want the baby? Is that why you had done what you did? No. That couldn’t be the reason. He knew you weren’t like that, but now he was beginning to question your true intentions of keeping it a secret.

He shifted slightly when he heard the cries and moans of internal pain come from the other side of his bedroom, his body moving from his chair as he instinctively went to open the bedroom door to try and calm you down but his hand hovered over the latch. He squeezed his eyes shut trying to control his urges to comfort the woman he loved, his mind and heart begged him to enter the shared bedroom but his body wouldn’t budge acting autonomously and taking him back to his office chair which he sat himself down in.

He groaned to himself closing his eyes as he crossed his legs pressing his hands to his face trying to block out your wails of grief. Each noise you made tore through him and pulled on his heart, his body stricken with his own despairing pity at what had happened as more tears spille from his eyes.

After a while of silently crying he raised his head from his hands staring at the bedroom door that had no more sounds escaping from it. Levi’s eyes widened and he dashed up from his chair thinking you had done something drastic as worry laced into his mind replacing his earlier frustrations as he clicked the latch up and quietly entered the room. He sighed in relief to see that you were sleeping peacefully, the bedsheets spotted lightly with blood tangled around your body.

As Levi stepped closer he could make out where you had mercilessly raked your nails over your own flesh, faint bits of skin peeling away where the abrasions has occurred leaving faint traces of scarlet blood. Levi’s breath hitched in his throat as he stared at you, your cheeks red and still slightly damp from where your eyes had uncontrollably spilt their tears your breathing shaky as you lightly snored.

His knees grew weak at the sight of you slowly falling to the floor to crouch beside the bed as more tears spilled from his eyes, pained grunts leaving his lungs as he slowly reached out placing a hand on your head rubbing his thumb affectionately over your forehead, your skin warm beneath his fingers as he gently ruffled your hand his chin laying on the mattress and his aching nose inches from yours.

His eyes travelled over your naked form partially covered by the bedsheets messily laying over you. His gaze stopped on your stomach, his heart beat increasing slightly as he reached his other hand out to gently place it against your abdomen where his baby had once been, a glimmer of a smile traced his lips as his hand brushed over your toned stomach his heart palpitations in his chest speeding up as his hand stayed perched over your tummy closing his eyes trying to imagine what had once been there.

His baby. Your baby.

He would have liked to see you be a mother, he could imagine you in a rocking chair with a precious bundle in your arms as you rocked back and forth singing to it softly as he stood watching nearby as his wife sang to his imaginary baby, his child’s giggles reaching his ears his heart swellinf with love at th sight.

But as he rubbed his hand over your stomach the smile disappeared. Underneath was an empty cavern void of any life, his heart numb in his chest as he stared intently at you trying to think of what would happen next. He would forgive you, he knew he would always forgive you. He just didn’t know how long it would take, he loved you of course he did but he also loved what had been flourishing inside you despite never have knowing about it until it was too late to ever acknowledge its presence. Had he known he would never have let you outside the walls, he would have given you a trusted member of the military to stay with you whilst he went to fight.

Had he known, this would have never happened.

His eyes narrowed as a fresh wave of restless anger swept trough him. He buried his face into the mattress the soft material doing little to ease his growing agitation as he pulled his hand away from your abdomen to bunch into a tight fist his other hand still resting on the side of your head. He didn’t look up from the mattress when he felt you stir from your sleep, he kept his face in the comfort of the mattress not even flinching when he felt your hand gently press against the top of his head your hand soft against his hair as you mimicked his own actions.

“I’m sorry.” you breathed as you stared at the top of his head, his face hidden in the mattress his hand placed on your face still as your own rested on his onyx hair as you played with his soft locks “I know I can never make up for what I did. But you should know how deeply sorry I am Levi.”

You sighed in defeat at his silence retracting your hand from his hair, his face still remaining securely on the mattress. You huffed closing your eyes as another surge of emotions soared through your veins, your heart heavy in your chest. You couldn’t fix this. You had been stupid to try.

“Saying sorry won’t bring back what we lost.”

You winced at his words, your eyes opening to stare into his dull grey ones, his chin now propped up on the mattress as he kept his hand still pressed into your hair his thumb still rubbing back and forth across your temple. You could see in his stormy orbs that he looked at you with that he was utterly defenceless against the events that had played out, you couldn’t begin to even try and recreate the pain he must be feeling. You had betrayed him and it would be a long time before his wounds would heal.

“You did this.” he whispered his voice breaking as tears traced his cheeks making small pitter pats against the bed spread forming grey damp spots, your body going still as you tried to remember how to breath as he once again turned his head away from you, more tears running across your cheeks and sliding over your nose into the pillow your head was resting on.

“I didn’t mean to.” you replied quietly, Levi’s irises shifted to stare at you from the corner of his eyes the drops of salty tears still persistent and sliding down his cheeks and along his sharp jaw.

“If you just told me…if you had said something earlier this…t-this could have been avoided. I could have protected both of you.”

Your bottom lip trembled violently your throat thick with tears and your head fuzzy having gone light from all the crying. You sniffles into your pillow trying to hide yourself from him, you felt so useless wallowing in your own self pity why were you upset?

You had done this. This was your fault and yet it seems so inevitable. Ugly thoughts formed in your head as you lay snivelling into your bed with Levi kneeling beside you his fingers laced in your hair as he watched you his own shoulders heavy with deaths cruel grip tightly wrapped around him.

“I wanted to help, I t-thought they would need me.” you mumbled softly pulling your face out from your pillow to see that Levi’s gaze had returned to you his earlier expressions of anguished hurt replaced with a saddened look, his eyes soft and his lips set downward as he continued to stroke your hair, glistening tears still tracking over his skin.

“Idiot.” he whispered swallowing back any more tears that had yet to make an appearance his Adam’s apple quivering in his throat “you fucking idiot.”

“I know I am. Y-you don’t deserve this Levi, you n-never deserved this. But I was impulsive, I p-put it’s life on the line and I lost it. You’re not going to be a father anymore and I-I’m not…” you trailed off whimpers hiccuping from your lips your skin hot and irritated from the crying “I can still see the blood on my breeches. T-that was our baby Levi…I-I couldn’t do anything, I was bleeding and it was our…”

A wail ripped from your lips as you curled in on yourself wrapping your arms around yourself pulling yourself away from Levi’s touch. He was quick to act ignoring his anger at you as he sat himself down on the bed piling you into his chest as he sat against the headboard pulling you onto his lap as you cried into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms tightly around you his own tears falling as he clutched you into his chest, your body shaking under his touch as he pressed his lips to your fore head.

“I don’t know when I’ll forgive you.” he said lowly, you stayed quiet as you buried your nose into his warm neck hit tears still sliding down your cheeks “you did this and I should hate you for it but I can’t. I can’t even fucking bring myself to begin to hate you (y/n), I love you. Shit…I just…it’s too much for one day.”

You nodded stiffly against his collar bone as he buried his nose into your hair pressing a kiss to your neck his cool lips brushing over your skin as he nuzzles into you. You breathed a raspy breath as you reached up to wrap your arms around his neck your fingers softly combing through his undercut as he silently wept into your shoulder, his body trembling against you as he released his demons into your shoulder as you tried to gently comfort o him.

“I wish I could go back.” you spoke your voice heavy with sorrow as you continued to stroke his hair soothingly, your shoulder growing damp from his tears his hands still wrapped around your thin waist his face resting on the space between your neck and shoulder “I wish I could save it from myself, I wish I could have seen it grow. I-I wanted us to be happy, the three of us together. I wanted to be a mother, I wanted you to be a father. I wanted all of it with you.”

“We still can.” Levi replied pulling his face away from your skin reaching out to tug a strand of hair behind your ear pressing his soft lips to your cheek his eyes bloodshot from crying as he stared at you still held in his arms, his ebony hair falling over his stone grey eyes “we can still have all of that (y/n). But you’d have to live with what’s happened, tell me if you stare into the faces of our children you wouldn’t think of today. I damn well can’t. I c-can’t do this.”

“What are you saying?” you whispered your eyes widening in fright as he tore his gaze away from you closing his eyes inhaling deeply his jaw clenching. He slowly unwrapped his arms from around you cold hitting your body as he pulled his arms from around you, gently sliding you off his lap as he moved to the edge of the bed his eyes dark and lips set in a from line. Nervous, you watched him stand up as you wrapped the bedsheets around your shivering body the air escaping your lungs unable to breath as he made his way over to the door the pain of heartbreak only intensified with each step he took away from you.

“The divorce papers will be on my desk later this week. We can decide what we do then.” he said glancing over his shoulder to stare you, his usual deadpan expression having returned to his face his half lidded gaze ripping through you as he turned his head back to face the door opening it and stepping out closing it behind him, ignoring the strain he felt as he walked away leaving you alone in the bedroom.

…


	2. Miscarriage part two

Warnings: mentions of a miscarriage, swearing, angst

Please no reposts

Levi x reader: Part Two

It had been a week. A week since the retaking of Shinganshina, a week since Erwin’s death, a week since your miscarriage, a week since Levi has told you he would have the divorce papers.

A week since your entire world had come crashing down.

It was hard to ignore the whispers that followed you as you made your way down the corridors of HQ.

Whilst most of the scouts had been killed in the retaking of Wall Maria, there were still the cadets that had moved up into the Survey Corps who now stood giving you pitied glances as you walked towards Levi’s office, your legs trembling with each step you took, your face burned daring you to cry infront of all the younger scouts. You tried desperately to hold your head high passing pissed off glares at anyone you saw whisper about you, the teenagers who met your cold eyes instantly holding their tongues muttering their apologies.

You had not been well ever since Levi had issued for a divorce. You had lost a lot of weight hardly eating or sleeping, you often spent late nights outside the walls taking all your pent up rage out on the lumbering titans that dared to get close.

It was very clear to see from the wild look in your eyes and your newly found hardened exterior, that you were no longer the soldier you once had been.

No more jokes or laughter could be heard from you in battle, you didn’t even bother trying to fight in proper form. You had had a few close calls with the titans only for Hange or one of the other cadets to pull you to safety in the nick of time. Your friends couldn’t tell if you were getting sloppy or if you were trying to die.

You figured why couldn’t it be both?

It wasn’t like this world held much value for you anymore, no family, no baby soon to be no husband.

You couldn’t even begin to separate your thoughts and your feelings, one part of you begged yourself to try again and give your relationship another go, you had so much to lose why couldn’t you see that? The other part of you reminded you constantly that Levi didn’t want to be with you anymore so what was the point in trying. How could you be with someone who no longer valued what your marriage was? He didn’t want to be with you because of your reckless choices, he had said it would be possible to make it work but Levi obviously didn’t want to try.

You had tethered him and now he was slipping away.

Your numb legs finally made it to the door of your soon to be ex husband’s office, the feeling of panic trying to burst through and make you turn in the opposite direction. He was behind this door waiting for you to sign away your marriage, the last twenty years of your life would be discarded with a flick of a feather quill and it scared you more then to realised.

You didn’t want to say goodbye to him, the memories of your early courtship still vibrant in your head. The small glances, the first kisses and the rivalry of the other boys who had tried to earn your affection only to be challenged by Levi. It played like a tape in your mind as you reached for the latch above the door handle and flicked it upwards.

The door unlocked with a click and it swung backwards allowing you to see the office you had grown so familiar with, everything was as neat as it always was and upon entry you realised that Levi was no where to be seen. A guilty sigh of relief escaped as you closed the door behind you and moved further into the territory, your eyes scanning the tiny room with a fondness you had hoped would stay with you.

The bookshelves had been freshly polished and you couldn’t help but notice how every surface seemed to gleam, it wasn’t unusual for Levi to get the cadets to thoroughly clean his work space but this was too well done. You knew your husband’s handy work when you saw it, he must have cleaned every day for the last week. It’s what he always did when he was anxious or stressed and you figured it was because of everything that was happening. It made you hope that maybe he was reconsidering the divorce if he was stressing over it.

Levi’s desk was clear of any and all paperwork which was a rare sight, your heart sunk though when you saw one single of sheet of paper laying in the middle of the desk staring up at you with malicious intent. You swallowed a lump that had begun to form in your throat as you reached a shaking hand to pick it up, your eyes scanning over its contents as your heart began to ache.

It read:

‘This is a legal document requiring the two signatures of Captain Levi Ackerman and Mrs (y/n) Ackerman to register their separation and termination of their marriage. Once this paper is signed the two people in question are no longer seen as wed in the eyes of the law and will lose any and all marital privileges.

Signed:

Levi Ackerman

He had already signed it. And beside the divorce paper was his ring. He had already taken it off, you stayed still for the longest time.

You felt your heart sink at the sight of his cursive had writing, the black ink that formed his name a stain on your soul as you could only stare at it. So he hadn’t bothered reconsidering, he had obviously not hestitated to sign his name at the bottom and leave, only for you to deal with your marriage ending with a cold shoulder and a quill.

Your eyes stung with hot tears that you quickly wiped away, your legs buckling under you as your body fell into his vacant desk chair, bottom lip trembling as you glanced up at the quill that sat ready in the ink pot that was always on the desk. Your wedding ring glinted at you from it’s poistion in your finger and you ducked in a breath to calm your shaking nerves, that ring wouldn’t mean anything once you had signed your name.

Minutes passed as you sat in Levi’s desk chair chewing on your lip, the quill almost daring you to pick it up and use it but you couldn’t bring yourself to. Your hands clenched into tight fists on the desk as your eyes continued to prickle with fiery tears that blurred your vision, you wiped your arm across your eyes snivelling slightly.

Why were you hesitating?

You knew deep down you wanted to try and fix what had happened, you were so exhausted of pretending you were ok with waking up to an empty bed, or having to ignore the glances you got everywhere you went. You were just so tired of everything, you wanted nothing more then to just run, grab your horse and bolt for wherever you could and leave this behind. But you knew that you couldn’t, running away from your problems was not in your nature and you’d be damned if you started running now.

So what else was there to do but sign to paper?

Finally mustering what little courage you had you reached out a shaking hand for the quill, your heart stopping briefly as your fingers grazed the soft feather. Your fingers wrapping around the base of the quill to pull it from the ink pot, midnight black ink dripping from the nib of the white feather as you retracted it towards the paper.

The point of the quill hovered inches above the paper, your hand trembling as you tried to force yourself to drag it across the parchment.

Come on.

Why was it so hard?

You knew how to sign your name, you had filled out countless documents. But this wasn’t just any document, it was the end of your marriage. The end of everything you had ever cared about.

The ink slid off the nib and stained the yellow parchment, the black splodges of thick liquid bleeding into the document and smudging the pristine paper.

It was one step at a time, just sign each letter of your name. But your hand was frozen, it wouldn’t move.

You jumped violently as the door was opened, your eyes darting to Levi who stood in the doorway.

His eyes widened for a second at the sight of you before he briefly closed them taking a deep breath and closing the door behind him. You watched him cautiously, noticing the grass stain on his shirt from under his jacket as he moved towards his bedroom, his foot steps the only sound between the two of you as he finally made it his bedroom door and unhooked the latch letting himself in.

Your body relaxed as he disappeared into what was once your shared bedroom, you noticed however that he had left the door open. You could hear him throwing his jacket onto the bed and begin unbuttoning his shirt, a red heat flushed to your face at the urge to sneak a peek but you scolded yourself.

In a few seconds he would no longer be yours to look at, you growled slightly turning back to the paper on the desk, your leg bounced up and down as you tried to control your hand. It still wouldn’t move.

“Have you signed it?” Levi asked from behind you.

Huffing, you glanced over your shoulder to see him leaning against the doorway of his bedroom, a clean shirt over his torso the front left unbuttoned to expose his finely toned abdomen to you. His chiseled abdomen and pectorals staring at you from beneath the white shirt.

Your eyes widened at the sight of him a burning hunger beginning to rise in the pit of your stomach as you stared at the captain looking so undeniably attractive as he leaned against the stone wall his body on show to you. His hair messily falling into his eyes and his silver ireses hazed over with some unknown glint.

You quickly shook your head snapping out of your lustful thoughts, a few days ago you would have run your fingers all over him but now all you could do was look at something you no longer had.

“You talking to me now?” you grumbled suddenly remembering yourself, Levi sighed and moved away from the door frame beginning to button up his shirt.

“Don’t be like that. Just sigh your damn name and leave then we can pretend this never happened.” he said dryly and suddenly your earlier passion had become quickly erased and instead a fiery rage sparked within you.

“You think I’m going to pretend the last twenty years of my life didn’t happen?” you growled “did our relationship mean so little to you?”

Levi froze slightly, his hands stopping half way up shirt leaving the top half still open for your narrowed eyes to view but you didn’t acknowledge your drive for his body. You were too busy glaring at him as he stood with his back to you, is own mind trying to formulate a response.

He hadn’t meant it like that, of course he fucking hadn’t.

He had just hoped that you and him could slip back to what were before you had begun the courtship, to when you had barely known each other in the cadets, the only contact between you being small glances and smiles in the corridors as you passed. Of course he was a damn fool if he believed you would take that response lightly, he didn’t want this to happen but what choice had you left him? You had lied to him about something so important and as a result you would lose him. It seemed only fair for what you had done.

“Tch. Of course it meant something to me (y/n). You meant the world to me and then you…” he trailed off squeezing his eyes shut as he turned around to face you “you know what you did and I can’t be with someone who lies to me. I don’t have time for it.”

“No Levi, you said it yourself we can fix this.” you breathed dropping the quill onto the desk and rising from your chair, he watched you his face hiding his emotions from you “you said we could work through this and try again. You said that, so don’t stand there and tell me you won’t be with me because I know you want to! I’m still in love with you. So before I sign this please, tell me you’re not still in love with me so I don’t have to give up before this fight is even over.”

Levi chewed on his tongue trying to hold back the anger that was festering inside of him. Of course he was still in love you, he had never once believed otherwise but how could he be in a trusting relationship if you were going to keep out of the loop and cause him so much pain. He needed to be with someone who wouldn’t put herself and her unborn baby in danger, who wouldn’t keep things from him. He had too much grief on his conscience, he couldn’t put himself through it again.

He wasn’t strong enough.

“It was my baby too Levi. I’m just as torn up about as you are and I’m sorry I couldn’t be better, but I did my job and that was the result of me saving two of my fellow soldiers. Sacrifice remember? It shouldn’t have happened but it did and I know I fucked up, you have a right to be mad but this…” you pointed to the paper on us desk your mind so blanked with the urge to fight for him you no longer had any control on what you said “this right here is not the solution. We’ve been through so much together I won’t allow this to be the thing that pulls us apart. If your still in love with me then let’s try to mend what I broke. Are you still in love with me?”

At this point hot tears had begun to spill from your eyes leaving glistening streaks down your pretty face that Levi longed to take into his hands and press kisses of comfort onto like he always did.

It tore him apart to watch you cry and he fought so desperately to keep himself away from you, he knew that the moment he gave in to his urges to comfort the woman he love that he would instantly try to forgive you. But he wasn’t ready to do that yet.

Of course he was still in love you, it killed him that he was too stubborn to admit that he was being unfair but a dark part of him wanted this to happen, so you could learn why he was doing this. But he knew deep down that he needed you.

“Dumbass. Of course I’m still in love with you.” he growled storming over to the desk and banging his fists against the polished wood causing you to fall back into the desk chair trembling in alarm at his outburst, his silver irises quivering as unfallen tears danced along the surface of his eyes ready to fall at any time as he glared into the desk beneath him, his body hunched over as his fists remained glued to the surface beneath.

Timidly staring up at him from your position in the chair you tried to clear your thoughts. Levi’s body shook and you could see small puddles forming on the desk from where his tears were falling, his face hidden from you behind his shaggy ebony hair as he grit his teeth trying to hold back the sobs of torture that threatened to escape.

“Then why did you file for the divorce.” you whispered scared to agitate him further.

“Because I was mad at you not because I stopped loving you.” he whispered his voice hoarse as he lowered his forehead into the cool wood of the desk, his fists uncurling to lay flat against the desk his hair falling around his face hiding it even more from your view, crystalline tears continued to fall from his eyes.

“That’s all we need Levi.” you spoke your voice growing stronger as hope filled your veins trying to ease your aching heart “all we need i-is our love and some time. We can heal what’s been damaged and get back on the right track. P-please don’t give up on what we have. I love you.”

A pained moan left Levi’s lips at your words, your eyes stinging with more tears as you let them close, your eyelashes thick with moisture as the unforgiving tears continued to pour; keeping your eyes shut tight trying to hide the sight of your husband hunched opposite you over his desk as more tears slipped down his cheeks.

Inhaling a shaky breath, you reopened your eyes, your gaze falling onto the divorce paper then landing back onto the man before you his shoulders trembling with suppressed agony as he remained bent over the desk, his face hidden from your sight any and all composure he had had vanished, you swallowed painfully, your chest protesting from getting your heart broken again. You were close you could feel it, you were scraping the surface, you could save this.

“Please Levi, please.”

He raised his head off the desk, the breath hitching in your throat at the completely broken look on his face. His usually pale cheeks dusted with a scarlet red, his usually calm eyes bloodshot as they shook with endless tears, his full lips trembling.

Nothing could hurt you if you closed your eyes and tried to block the sight out, but the image of your husband crying before you caused your lungs to stop, your mind jarred at the state he was in as his face became more and more streaked with damp lines.

“Please Levi.”

“Don’t.” he snapped “Don’t you dare fucking beg to me. You did this! I love you. I look at you and I can’t breathe (y/n)! Fuck, you’re all I ever needed and you pulled down my walls! I was perfectly fine until you came along and made me give a damn. I have a damn about you, you did that to me!”

“Stop it.”

“No. I was happy by myself! I had lost everyone I ever cared for and then you happened and I couldn’t imagine my life without you. You were the one person I could rely on, I wanted someone to die for and that someone was you. You don’t leave my mind; now my world is crashing down!” he cried out, his voice breaking on every word, his sobs burning through your ears as you watched him weep before you as his eyes made contact with yours “I hate you.”

“No you don’t.” you whispered.

At your words his expression shifted slightly, his lips parting and his eyebrows raising out of their glare. His harsh lilt in his eyes seeming to be pushed aside by a look of pure hopelessness.

“I should hate you.” he muttered darkly finally standing to his full height.

Gradually the tears began to slow as he turned himself away from you trying to do the rest of his shirt up. Silently you watched in pain as he made his way back into his bedroom, returning fully dressed with his jacket and ascot not giving you a second glance as he made his way across the room, his flushed cheeks quickly recovered and returned to their normal pale complexion as he flicked the latch of the door up beginning to open the door.

No.

No.

If he left now then it was over.

Despite your stricken state, your body instantly shot up from the chair as you darted acroos the room reaching out to slam a hand onto the half open door, the wood making a deafening crash as it was manically pushed closed. Levi’s han ripped from the handle as you stood before him, your body blocking the door way.

“Get out of the way.” he said in a monotone voice void of any emotion, you shook your head.

“No. Not until we talk about this.”

“I have nothing to say to you. Get out of the way.”

“You’re not leaving.”

“I said get out of my way!” he growled reaching forward to grab you by the collar lifting you up and slamming your back into the door, your back crying out in pain as he pinned you into the door his teeth gritted and jaw clenched as he stared up into your fear filled eyes.

You remained like that for a while, Levi holding you slightly off the ground as you trembled in his clutch, your bodies pressed the closest together they had been in just over a week. His breathless pants falling against your skin as you were pushed into the cruel wood of the door, the air thick with untold secrets between the two of you as your shaking eyes bore into his. Cautiously, you reached forward gently pressing your hand into his cool cheek still marked with evidence of fallen tears, his body tensed at your touch before he relaxed letting your collar slip from his grip.

The moment your feet touched the floor his hands found their way around your waist, he buried his face into your neck crying onto your shoulder the same way he had on that cursed day. It took a moment to shake the fright from your system before you allowed your weightless arms to wrap around his broad neck. Cautiously, you pulled yourself closer into him inhaling his familiar scent letting your fingers rale through his hair like you had every day since falling in love with him.

Slowly Levi felt his knees buckle eventually falling to the floor kneeling by your feet resting his forehead against your stomach. Instinctively you reached down to rest one hand on his head, the other stroking his shaggy mop of raven black hair as he reached up to wrap his arms around your thighs pulling your abdomen closer to his forehead. You could only stoke his hair as he nuzzled his face into you, the damp on his cheeks seeping onto your white shirt but you didn’t care as you too slowly lowered to the ground; sitting before him pressing your foreheads together his hands taking yours in his own.

“I know I was harsh on you.” he murmured, his voice the softest you had heard in a long time as his fingers gripped around your hands tightly, his forehead compressing into you own as you kneeled opposite each other on the floor “I was shit faced scared. Erwin had just fucking died and then you have the miscarriage and I didn’t know what to do or how to react.”

“It’s ok. I-it was new territory and I shouldn’t have lied. Please…please forgive me.”

He was quiet for a moment as he raised his forehead off yours and pulled you into his chest, resting his chin on top of your head as you snivelled into his ascot , your eyes all dried up from the sea of tears you had expelled. His arms remained firmly around your shaking form as he held you into, him his heart beat echoing in your skull as your ear was pressed against him, nestling into his familiar body you had come to adore so dearly.

He did forgive you. Of course he did, but he wasn’t in the right mindset to let everything just resume as it had, to completely ignore what had occurred if you were going to stay as his wife. He didn’t deny his deeply rooted feelings for you, he didn’t deny that his actions had been cold hearted. No matter how much he had hated your actions, no matter how much his heart ached for the baby you had so selfishly lost he knew that this could be healed. He just had to bring himself to try and take the harder path instead of what was easiest. For once he wouldn’t allow himself to lose someone else he cared for.

“Ok. Let’s try to solve this.” he said quietly, you gasped and pulled your face away from his chest to stare him directly in the eyes your heart fluttering as he pulled a lose strand of hair behind your ear his ashen eyes surveying your own.

“You mean it?”

He nodded.

“It’s going to take time (y/n), months maybe I don’t know. But you’re right, I’m not ready to give up on us. I meant every word of my vows to love and protect you no matter how much you could possibly hurt me. I intend to keep my promise. Just be patient with me.”

“Yes. Of course I understand.” you said softly, a small smile on your face as more tears leaked from your eyes as you slowly leaned in to press your lips against his.

Surprisingly, he didn’t pull away but instead returned the affection, dragging a calloused hand through your locks of (y/h/c) hair pulling you closer it him as his lips melted against your own, the first step in alleviating your broken bond.

…


End file.
